Why Not Freely Different?
“To know how to grow, to truly grow, is to know how to shed the fear of what you are not.”
We often gravitate toward people who mirror our own beliefs, behaviours, and values—a phenomenon supported by social psychology research that shows similarity fosters comfort and connection.
"We are attracted to those whose way of being resonates with our own, not because they complete us, but because they reflect us back to ourselves."
— Vironika Tugaleva
But what if the key to personal growth lies not in sameness but in difference?
I recently encountered an interesting suggestion: instead of seeking out those who are smarter or more capable in conventional terms, surround yourself with people who possess freedoms in the ways you lack it. You’re reserved, and you connect with someone who radiates social ease. You wrestle with asserting yourself, so you turn to those deeply attuned to their emotions and unapologetically bold. Or perhaps you tread carefully through life’s uncertainties, yet you build bonds with those who regularly take risks.
Their distinct ways of being become not just companions but catalysts—challenging your limits and inviting you to venture into uncharted parts of yourself, places you might never reach alone.
In this light, friendship transforms. It is no longer a haven of familiarity but a daring exchange—a willingness to be reshaped by those whose truths unsettle yours, whose differences provoke. This idea isn’t new; it echoes through literature and philosophy. Such relationships don’t focus on admiring others’ distinctive qualities but on letting their freedom unsettle and inspire.
Worth considering is an observation made by the poet David Harsent:
“To be unmoored is to discover yourself anew,
To drift is not to be lost,
But to listen to the water’s secret, steady pull.”
This drifting — this deliberate proximity to those who play different games in life — is what allows us to transcend our boundaries. They bring unpredictability, those little ripples that crack the surface of our beliefs and show us deeper waters.
True freedom, the kind that transforms, often feels unsafe at first. It humbles. It exposes. It teaches. It’s the friend who listens intently and then asks the question you’ve been avoiding. The one who models courage not by offering advice but by living it. Their freedom doesn’t diminish yours; it redefines it.
But here’s the philosophical twist: in their otherness, they also offer us safety. Not the safety of a padded cell, but the safety of a net below a high wire. They say, “Leap. You can fail here. You can change here.”
As the contemporary poets puts it:
“What’s risk without the pause,
The waiting for the catch that never fails you?”
— Helen Mort
“To see the world new in another’s gait,
To hear a rhythm you did not know you needed —
This is the gift of the watcher,
The listener, the learner.”
— Alice Oswald
This is why relationships matter. They are tuning forks for our belief systems. They expand our understanding of what is possible, desirable, and beautiful. One person’s capacity to forgive can teach us patience. Another’s attention to the small joys of life can reawaken our gratitude.
Finding such people is no small task, though. As some recognise, it’s “the challenge of a lifetime.” But the first step could be small: one person. One connection that resonates. One leap of faith that changes something.
Begin by looking for what you admire. As the poet Raymond Antrobus writes:
“What you hear in the voices of others
Is the echo of your own longing,
Answer it, or let it grow.”
If we’re lucky, these relationships will stretch us, not just horizontally (towards more people) but vertically (towards deeper understanding). They’ll make our lives more vivid. They’ll crack us open to new possibilities, new definitions of beauty and freedom.
And perhaps, as poet Kate Tempest writes, they’ll leave us with this realisation:
“I am a collection of others’ bravery,
A patchwork of the love I have borrowed,
And the freedom I’ve earned.”
It is possible to seek out those who expand us—not as a strategy for success, but as a way of inhabiting life more fully. Growth does not always come from striving but often through the subtle transformations inspired by the people around us. These are the ones who challenge us gently, holding a mirror not to what we already are, but to what we might become.
Such connections offer a paradox: a sense of grounding alongside the freedom to evolve. As John O’Donohue observed, “When the soul wants to experience something, she throws out an image in front of her and then steps into it.”
"To love or have loved, that is enough.
Ask nothing further.
There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life.
To love is a consummation."
— Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
Those who expand us often do so by inviting us to experience love, compassion, and understanding in ways that reshape our perspective. They don't just walk alongside us; they unlock new dimensions of ourselves, revealing "pearls" of possibility within.
Perhaps the quiet courage to grow alongside others is not about striving for more, but about discovering how vast and layered our existence already is. It is a choice—a profound one—that opens life’s possibilities and deepens its meaning.
This is a masterpiece. Thanks 🙏