The Struggle to Speak: Why Some of Us Need Writing to Try to Express Ourselves
"My speech is imperfect".
Do you ever find it difficult to express your emotions in the moment?
Do your words seem to falter when you most need them, or does your voice fall silent when faced with an opportunity to speak from the heart?
If so, you are far from alone. Many people experience this quiet struggle, where emotions seem too complex, fragile, or tangled to be easily conveyed in spontaneous conversation. Writing, however, offers refuge—a space where thoughts can unfurl, slowly and deliberately, where the inner voice can find the clarity that speech often denies.
Joan Didion once said, “I write entirely to find out what I'm thinking, what I'm looking at, what I see, and what it means. What I want and what I fear.”
In this sentiment, Didion captures what it means to be one of those for whom writing is not merely a mode of communication, but a form of discovery. For many, writing allows thoughts to surface that were hidden or only partially understood. It’s as though the complexity of the inner landscape can only be charted through the written word, where sentences take shape and emotions unfold with the time and space they deserve.
Take Gabor Maté’s words, “I need to write, to express myself through written language not only so that others might hear me but so that I could hear myself.”
For Maté, writing is not just about being heard by others, but about deepening his own self-awareness. It is in the act of writing that we sometimes come to know ourselves better, peeling back layers of emotion that might have remained buried or unspoken had we not taken the time to transcribe them.
Many people find verbal communication difficult, especially when faced with emotionally charged situations. Some of us find that the heat of the moment or the pressure to respond quickly leaves little room for reflection. We may stumble over our words, speak too quickly, or say something we don’t truly mean. In these moments, we long for the quiet of the written word, where thoughts can settle, where pauses are allowed, and where we can sift through the noise to find the heart of what we really want to say.
Consider, if you will, the countless writers, philosophers, and artists throughout history who have struggled with direct self-expression. Virginia Woolf, a master of language, often wrote in her diaries about the difficulty of translating her inner world into spoken words. For her, a conversation could never quite capture the depth of her feelings or the complexity of her thoughts. In writing, however, she could reflect, revise, and ultimately communicate her deepest truths in a way that felt authentic and whole. One passage that captures this is from A Writer's Diary:
“I talk of myself with an exaggeration that would be appalling if it were not that when I get home, I become as weak and small as I have painted myself strong and bold.”
This quote reveals how Woolf sometimes felt that her spoken words either exaggerated or diminished her true thoughts and emotions, highlighting the contrast between what she said aloud and what she truly felt.
Virginia Woolf also reflected on the challenges of expressing her thoughts accurately, even in writing:
"Why is it so difficult to write about one’s feelings just as one is feeling them? I begin to doubt whether one ever can. I exaggerate. I minimise. I tell lies. Yes, one can never write the truth about oneself."
This quote directly illustrates Woolf's sense of never quite capturing her true feelings or thoughts in writing, either amplifying or downplaying them and her struggle with authenticity in self-expression.
Even in everyday life, we see examples of people who prefer writing over speaking when it comes to expressing themselves. A friend who writes long, thoughtful letters instead of engaging in brief conversations. A colleague who composes a carefully worded email after a difficult meeting. A partner sends a heartfelt message after an argument, explaining emotions that were too raw to verbalise in the moment. For these individuals, writing provides a buffer—a way to process before sharing, to think before reacting.
Why do some of us find writing easier than speaking? Part of the answer lies in the nature of writing itself. Writing allows for contemplation. It creates space between thought and expression, allowing us to carefully choose our words and reflect on their meaning before committing them to the page. In contrast, speaking often demands immediacy. There is little time for reflection when a response is expected in real time. For those of us who need time to process our emotions or who struggle to articulate our thoughts under pressure, writing offers a reprieve.
There is also a certain vulnerability in speaking aloud, especially about matters of the heart. Words, once spoken, cannot be taken back. They hang in the air, subject to interpretation and misunderstanding. Writing, on the other hand, feels more private, more controlled. We can revise and edit until the words on the page feel true to what we really mean. This control over language can be deeply reassuring, especially when the stakes are high and the emotions are intense.
In a world that often values quick responses and instant communication, the preference for writing can sometimes be misunderstood as a sign of hesitance or avoidance. Yet for many, it is a sign of care—a desire to express oneself fully and honestly, without the constraints of time or the fear of saying the wrong thing. Writing allows for depth, for nuance, for the articulation of emotions that might otherwise remain unspoken.
To those who struggle to express themselves directly, know that this is not a weakness, but a different way of engaging with the world. Like Joan Didion, you may write to discover what you truly think and feel. Like Gabor Maté, you may write not only to be heard but to hear yourself. Like Virginia Woolf, you might communicate your deepest truths in a way that feels authentic and whole and in doing so, you join a long tradition of those who have found their voice, not through speaking, but through the written word.
