Sometimes, the people around you won't fully understand
Being proud and loved in "Proud of Me"
"Sometimes, the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to; it's not for them." — Joubert Both
"We’re both searching for something—me for where I came from, and Becky for who she’s becoming. But in the end, we both just want to feel like we belong."
In Proud of Me by Sarah Hagger-Holt, Josh and Becky’s journeys reflect the universal struggle of balancing personal discovery with family expectations. As they grow up in a non-traditional family, Josh seeks to connect with his biological father, while Becky discovers what attracts her. Their stories reveal the pressure of making their family proud, yet, as Joubert Botha wisely states, "Sometimes, the people around you won't understand your journey. They don't need to; it's not for them." Our path—though sometimes misunderstood by others—is ours to walk.
"I want them to be proud of me, but sometimes I don’t even know if I’m proud of myself."
Becky reflects on the unspoken pressure she feels to live up to the image of the "perfect daughter." She acknowledges the weight of her mothers’ expectations and wonders whether being true to herself will disappoint them. This internal conflict resonates with many young people today who, regardless of family structure, feel an immense burden to succeed according to their family's standards.
Psychologists frequently discuss the pressure to make one's family proud as a universal challenge. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, teens often place undue pressure on themselves to meet perceived family expectations, sometimes misinterpreting what their parents truly want. “Many young people believe their value is tied to their achievements,” Dr. Damour explains, “when in reality, parents are often more focused on their child’s happiness and well-being than on specific accomplishments”.
"They’ve done so much for us, given us everything. How can I not want to make them proud? But sometimes, I just wish I could figure out who I am without worrying about letting them down."
In Proud of Me, this conflict between expectation and self-discovery is further complicated by the siblings' unique family structure. Raised by two mothers, both Josh and Becky experience the additional layer of wanting to honour the sacrifices made by their parents in creating a loving, supportive home. Yet, they fear not living up to the ideals they believe their parents have for them.
"It’s not that I’m ungrateful or don’t love them. But how can I fully know who I am if I don’t know where I come from?"
Josh's desire to learn about his sperm donor is driven not only by curiosity but by a need for a deeper understanding of himself. He is caught between loyalty to his family and the search for his own identity. This struggle reflects common themes in psychological research regarding identity. Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson identified this stage as a critical period for identity versus role confusion, where young people often wrestle with who they are and who they believe others expect them to be.
The emotional burden of these expectations can lead to anxiety and low self-esteem if not addressed. Psychotherapist Philippa Perry suggests that open, empathetic communication between parents and children is crucial in managing these pressures. “Young people need to hear from their parents that love is unconditional,” Perry says. “When children feel that they are only valued for their achievements, they may hide their true selves or feel immense guilt when they fall short”.
"What if being true to myself means they won’t look at me the same way? What if I’m not the daughter they hoped I’d be?"
In Becky’s case, her developing feelings for another girl challenge her preconceived notions of what it means to make her family proud. As she discovers this new aspect of her identity, she is forced to confront her own fears of rejection and judgment. The fear of disappointing one’s family, especially in such deeply personal matters, can create an emotional burden that is difficult to overcome without supportive conversations.
"I thought they’d be disappointed, but when I finally told them, they just wanted to listen. Maybe I’d underestimated them all along."
It is crucial to have honest conversations with your family about their expectations and your own aspirations. Family members are often more understanding than young people give them credit for.
Instead of seeking external validation from family, focus on what makes you feel proud of yourself. Ask yourself: What are my values? What do I want to achieve for me?
"Just because they want the best for me doesn’t mean their love depends on it. I need to remember that, even when I forget."
Recognise the difference between love and expectation: Parents may have high hopes, but that doesn't mean their love is conditional on your achievements. Separate family love from expectations—they are not the same.
"Not living up to what they expect doesn’t make me a failure. It just means I’m finding my own way, and that’s okay."
Understand that failing to meet a family expectation is not a reflection of your worth. In Proud of Me, Becky and Josh learn that the journey is fraught with challenges but ultimately necessary for their growth.
"Sometimes, it’s too much to handle on my own. Talking to someone who isn’t part of it all helps me see things more clearly."
Seek professional help if necessary: If the pressure becomes overwhelming, talking to a therapist can help you manage anxiety and develop coping mechanisms.
"I want to make them proud, but not if it means losing who I am in the process."
As Josh and Becky’s journeys remind us, the path to self-discovery is not always easy, but it is essential. Balancing personal growth with family expectations can be challenging, yet we must never lose sight of our own identity in the process. As Brené Brown wisely said, "You either walk inside your story and own it, or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness." We owe it to ourselves to walk inside our stories, to embrace who we are, and to remember that our worth is never defined by anyone else's expectations.
So own your own story, dare to be true to yourself, and trust that belonging starts with being authentic.
