Seamless Separate Self?
by Anna Atsu
'‘For it is hard to become a separate self, to separate both literally and emotionally, to be able to outwardly stand alone and to inwardly feel ourselves to be distinct.”
— Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses
The separation from a mother is one of the necessary losses we must encounter in life. However, in this reflection, I won’t delve into the poignant topic of leaving or being abandoned by a mother. Hopefully, you were not left too young, too unprepared, too scared, too hopeless… I hope…
I pondered a slightly different meaning of separation as my husband recalled a documentary he watched recently. It portrayed the life of a male kestrel facing challenges that mirrored the complexities of literal separation. The male kestrel not only had to provide sustenance for the little chicks but also found himself thrust into a dual role when his mate flew away, never to return. His first instinct, to hunt and provide, was executed with precision. However, as days passed, and hunger gnawed at the little chicks, he attempted to feed them, with clumsiness, devoid of the patience usually associated with endeavours not assigned to one by nature.
Of course, somewhere in the recount, I started to think about the film ‘Kes’ and the novel ‘A Kestrel for a Knave’ by Barry Hines, and the poem found in the ‘Book of Saint Albans’, a compilation of matters relating to the interests of the time of a gentleman…
Yes, again, my mind took me on a long journey. Such is the nature of our thoughts – a circuitous path that eventually brings us back to the present, but to our present. I landed back not to think about the depressed female or the six abandoned chicks. I thought about the male kestrel, who needed human hands before he could shape his new role and become a hybrid of figures.
Similarly, partners, family, friends, and society – are the scaffolding upon which we construct the framework of our existence. However, just as in nature, at some point in later adult stages of development, we begin the process of individuation, requiring us to dismantle some of these support structures, become a ‘self’ and forge our purpose.
The literal separation involves stepping out into the world, away from the familiar embrace of home and community. It is an expedition fraught with uncertainties, marked by milestones that test our mettle – leaving for university, relocating to a new city, or starting a career in a different part of the globe. Each of these transitions beckons us to stand alone, to navigate the uncharted waters of independence, and to carve out our space in the natural world.
Yet, emotional separation is an equally demanding facet of this journey. To become a separate self means to untangle the emotional threads that bind us to others. It's about forging an identity that is distinct from the expectations and influences of those around us. The emotional struggle encompasses moments of self-discovery, introspection, and the courage to embrace our true selves, even if it means confronting discomfort or resistance.
The resistance to becoming a separate self is often rooted in the fear of loneliness, the apprehension of losing one's roots, or the uncertainty of facing life's challenges without the safety net of familiar relationships.
Viorst's words resonate as a reminder that the pursuit of individuality is not a stroll in the park; it is an arduous climb up a metaphorical mountain, with each step demanding courage and self-reflection.
However, it is precisely in navigating the hardness of this journey that we discover the depth of our character.
The challenges we encounter mould us, refine our resilience, and impart a unique patina to our individuality. Every hardship, every obstacle, becomes a chisel that shapes the sculpture of our being, revealing the contours of a separate, self-reliant identity.
The path to becoming a separate self is an ongoing process, a continuous negotiation between the need for connection and the imperative of self-discovery. It requires a delicate balance, an artful stapling together the desire to belong and the courage to stand alone. The final look might never be seamless, and there might be some tearing involved, but in embracing the 'hard,' we not only unveil the richness of our individuality but also contribute to the patchwork of diversity that defines the human experience.
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